By Dr. Barry Cohen, Ph.D., Psychologist

Are you facing this very difficult situation?  Family members have turned down your repeated pleas for assistance for a loved one you care for?

In today’s fast-paced world, family members typically lead busy lives and put priority on their own needs and pursuit of happiness. It is natural for you to then feel frustration and stressed out when faced with the increased burden facing you as a caregiver. You may also feel isolated and angry, or helpless to do anything. How can you get more support, especially if the situation you face is dire?

You needed to take stock of things. Your emotional needs come first! If you cannot take care of yourself, you could lose patience, experience health problems, or find yourself distracted and irritable with the person you care for.  How can you keep yourself from suffering these painful added problems, which are indicative of what psychologists call “situational anxiety?” This kind of anxiety is caused by a specific life dilemma and may go on for years.

The good news is that you can start to heal yourself and feel better… IF you realize that YOU ARE in control of your own feelings. Caregivers often join support groups sponsored by churches or community organizations…. there they can air their frustration’s, and sometimes even get a fresh idea or two about how to address their family members when asking for help.

The very act of listening to others, rather than your own self talk, can help you cope, and can reduce stress and anxiety. You also can consult with social workers or others and possibly even find some resources that might be available and give you alternatives to family to reach out for assistance. Finally, you can use relaxation audio or video tapes and guided imagery to escape temporarily and relax a bit more.

Besides, these resources can be fun, especially if you are feeling “boxed in.”

Now, let’s get to the core of your problem. Your pleas for support fall on deaf ears and your family members just let you carry this heavy burden alone. At least that is how you are feeling. Try thinking of yourself as a fundraiser… because that is what you must do to get needed assistance from your own family.

Now, think of how charities you watch on TV ask for financial aid. The best charities present people suffering well beyond our daily lives. That is followed by appeals for help in very specific terms…..have you ever heard? “Give $5 and you buy meals for a young child or clean water for a week.”

The important point is that ANY financial assistance can lead to very meaningful relief from severe pain or save lives. This is a formula that may work for you….it is not a magic bullet, and it may not work all the time… but it definitely is worth taking trying.

Before you proceed to ask for money… ask yourself if there are other ways, besides money, that the aid can be given. For example, a family member might shop for laundry items, food, or adult diapers at the same time they do their own family shopping, and bring over these items when visiting with you and mom or dad. Giving these items is so gratifying and it can even be made more personal, and feel like gift giving… with a little thought. The elderly are often reminded of earlier gift giving days, when a family member brought or mailed something special.

If you would like to try a giant step of psychological persuasion, there is a way to avoid making your appeals for support one to one… use a family meeting to discuss the support needed. This takes some planning and works better for some families than individual appeals. It is very important to have the meeting led by a religious advisor, counselor, or social worker…in other words, someone who does NOT have a vested interest and can be an impartial and objective third party. If you cannot find someone, ask a friend who has experience leading groups. someone who will be viewed as a disinterested party. It is best to have all family members present for the meeting, but if some family members live far away, then have the group meeting conducted on SKYPE or even on a telephone conference call might be the way to go. There are conference telephone lines that can be scheduled at no charge… search the internet for their websites.

Now, plan, plan, and plan everything for this meeting. The goal is to have every family member offer some support… if not financially, then in-kind (buying needed items, providing caregiver relief, or searching for community resources). Begin the meeting by having the group facilitator introduce herself and state the goal for the meeting. The facilitator will also monitor the discussion, and recognize people to talk.  Then you must explain and give concrete examples of what help is needed–and why!

Stay very specific and explain why mom needs money for diapers or meds. Explain the shortfalls, and the consequences for doing without. For example, mom’s doctor visits require $60 in copays and she can only afford $30 a month. Then let the facilitator do her job. Ask every family member for something.

The group and the facilitator will address each shortfall and possible solution. If someone still is hesitant to give, the facilitator can schedule a personal phone call with the individual to work out a means to provide some assistance. A family meeting of this type cannot disintegrate into finger pointing or complaints aimed at particular members… the facilitator should set the ground rules and turn the discussion from fault-finding to fact-finding and solutions. It does no good to complain about past injustices or hurt feelings. Family histories can sometimes be fraught with ill feelings… these should be discouraged and not aired. The discussion should be focused on the most pressing needs for that person’s health and well-being now.

Remember, you may not get ALL the support needed from these efforts. If you get more support than before, you have succeeded! More importantly, you can begin to tackle a tough nut to crack. All families are not the same. These approaches might give you pause and fresh ideasthat you can use to tackle much needed help for a loved one.

Caregiver to his wife and son who battle Muscular Dystrophy, Dr. Barry Cohen is a professional psychologist and co-author with Terry Cohen of “Disabled and Challenged, Reach for Your Dreams!”  Their book is available in our HomeBoundResources Shop, Katrin’s Korner Store.  Pick up your copy today!